I have been going through one hell of a life phase lately. It’s been happening for some time, if I’m being as raw as I can be, but I recently read a post that so profoundly resonated with me (by a college mentor) that I felt brave enough to write this. And validated.
I am not 100% happy.
Whoa, that makes me so sad to see typed out…but also somehow feels like I’m letting the Instagram curtain fall to show off all the real stuff.
In the past year(ish), I have been engaged, traveled to new and grand places, gotten married, pushed myself a bit more with my draining personal project (this blog), etc…but I don’t feel fulfilled.
I feel uncomfortable with myself—meaning what I am doing with my life in general and who I am. I don’t have an answer to either of those questions and it’s a terrifying place to be.
On a walk with my mom a few months ago, I said out loud that I didn’t dream big enough; I didn’t set big enough goals. I meant professionally, but I now think that should extend into my identity in its entirety.
It feels like the Anna that has existed for my entire life is fully gone and this new older, married person is here…and who knows who she is…yet.
Periodically, I’ll freak out that I’m legally bound to another individual which means there will never ever be a moment of my life that I am responsible for myself only. That seems absolutely insane to me at times and at others it’s the most comforting concept and idea ever. My husband is the best. I have zero complaints. I picked the right, most supportive guy to marry, but this isn’t about him. It’s about me and all the selfish versions of myself that have to die now.
I feel like the writer in me has been writing a novel that is my life that only got as far as “she finds an amazing man…” and that’s it. Nothing else is mapped out and I hate the unknown. I’ve been avoiding buying a planner because I’m so unclear on what to write in it. That’s how deep this goes.
A month ago I was recapping my summer to one of my closest friends and said out loud that I look forward to my thirties and understand why I’ve heard it’s a better decade for them as far as feeling like they know themselves.
Until our wedding day, I never had my husband in a Facebook profile picture. That’s the dumbest little thing to hold on to, but that should help you understand my strange attachment to past versions of myself. I also cried the day after our wedding about no longer having my last name and feeling like I had no connection to my siblings without it (ridiculous).
I would say I have gone through most of my life knowingly innocent of so much of adult life—financially, professionally, and the strain of life’s relationships, in particular. Now that I suddenly feel like I’m writing my own story as a grownup (do real adults call themselves grownups?), I have to take a hard look at all of the messiness and hard parts of life that I have turned a blind eye to for a quarter of century.
Adulthood and life in general is so messy, so let’s see who this new Anna is and how she handles it all. Prayers are welcome.
This post is the kickoff to a month that I plan to focus on self care—especially through Instagram. Getting this out of my mind and put into words was absolutely a turning point for me in terms of my self-confidence and mental health/well-being. I hope you’ll join me on this journey! #SelfCareSeptember #SelfDiscoverySeptember
This is great. Well doesn’t feel great but it’s normal.
What you’re going through is a shift.
I can relate to all and I can tell you that the older you get, you do become more grounded into who you are, but you still grow and learn and fail.
I loved my 30’s.
20’s were eh…
And now 41, I feel more myself than ever. It’s a daily inventory I take and write about all the time.
Not only does it validate whatever you feel is nonsense, it also helps things as shifts or life make sense.
You can run stuff around in your head forever…getting out the “yuck” as I call it, is necessary to clear your life of doubts.
Love you dearly Anna and you are doing a great job growing into who you’ve always been.
You’re just an adult version ❤️
And YES adulting is tough but it’s so neat to experience the change in seasons in your life.